Back when I was 20 and running around town like a wild child with my ID that said I was legal to consume alcoholic beverages, my love affair with karaoke began. At first it was a child-like curiosity, and then it was morbid fascination, and finally a weekend pastime. There is something about being able to go on stage and rock out like the amateur you are. You can’t stop replaying the haunting image of watching the guy you swear consumed a half eaten hot dog minutes ago grunt out every third word of Don’t Stop Believing. There is the quiet girl that hasn’t said three words to anyone when she came in the bar but will belt out the theme to Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves. The caricatures that you see singing are plenty, and that is where the entertainment lies. I’ve seen a wide variety of these people singing from sad sacks, to the over-served, and even a few famous faces. When I lived in L.A., I would see celebrities singing at Dimples in Burbank. The one who loved it most – portly Mr. Belding from Saved by the Bell.
Although karaoke has several things going against it, the worst is a lack of rhythm. You might get some powerhouse crowd favorites like Bon Jovi or Neil Diamond followed by a depressing solo performance of a K.D. Lang song. Then someone may go up with Kid Rock and then be chased by an artsy indie song that no one knows except a select few elitists. A large chunk of the blame for a disruptive track list like this can squarely be placed on the DJ. Most of the time this has to do with the DJ’s selection of the order. He/she doesn’t have to play the songs in order, but he does anyways because he is lazy or fair. Your job as karaoke DJ is to make a cohesive list that benefits the entertainment of the crowd. I will admit, he can’t save all the crappy songs for the end though, so he does face a quagmire of placing the poor selections with the good ones. I’m well aware that different people have different tastes, but there have to be ground rules for karaoke! I am willing to lay out a few guidelines:
Rule 1: Your Heart Can Go On, Just Not Tonight
Nobody wants to hear your Celine Dion song. We know you are going to sing it like it is your last song, and if the ship decides to go down after you are done singing, we know it would be the best moment of your life. Please show up on Tuesday night somewhere when the other eight people in the bar don’t care what you sing. On the weekend when you sing your aria, we don’t think of how beautifully you sing the song, we just imagine you at home with five cats and a tub of ice cream. And for some reason, these people try to sing like ten times! They put in five karaoke slips at once and we have to hear them every third song. I promise you someone at the bar with rufies is contemplating using them on you solely for the purpose of getting you to shut up for the night.
Rule 2: Know the Words
Yeah, sounds very “duh” but I have violated this rule once and you’d be surprised by how often it happens. My only time I was booed off the stage because my friend stopped trying mid song and berating Neil Diamond by saying it was his worst song. It should almost go without saying, don’t try and offend the crowd while you’re going. For the most part, the crowd is supportive, and you really need to pull some shenanigans to get booed off the stage. You don’t need to know the whole song, but at least the tune and a general idea of it.
Rule 3: Like I Said, the Crowd Wants to Be On Your Side
Know your audience. If you have a more conservative crowd, the Ballad of Chasey Lain probably isn’t the best idea. If everyone is dancing along to the karaoke, doing your best Tool or Papa Roach song isn’t an optimal choice. There are certain songs that can’t go wrong, but there are even more that most certainly can go wrong. I know you really want to sing it to your girl with the purple mohawk thing going on, but we’re not really excited to listen to your romantic version of that death metal song. This rule is meant to be used at the participant’s discretion, so just look around before you do something stupid.
Although karaoke has several things going against it, the worst is a lack of rhythm. You might get some powerhouse crowd favorites like Bon Jovi or Neil Diamond followed by a depressing solo performance of a K.D. Lang song. Then someone may go up with Kid Rock and then be chased by an artsy indie song that no one knows except a select few elitists. A large chunk of the blame for a disruptive track list like this can squarely be placed on the DJ. Most of the time this has to do with the DJ’s selection of the order. He/she doesn’t have to play the songs in order, but he does anyways because he is lazy or fair. Your job as karaoke DJ is to make a cohesive list that benefits the entertainment of the crowd. I will admit, he can’t save all the crappy songs for the end though, so he does face a quagmire of placing the poor selections with the good ones. I’m well aware that different people have different tastes, but there have to be ground rules for karaoke! I am willing to lay out a few guidelines:
Rule 1: Your Heart Can Go On, Just Not Tonight
Nobody wants to hear your Celine Dion song. We know you are going to sing it like it is your last song, and if the ship decides to go down after you are done singing, we know it would be the best moment of your life. Please show up on Tuesday night somewhere when the other eight people in the bar don’t care what you sing. On the weekend when you sing your aria, we don’t think of how beautifully you sing the song, we just imagine you at home with five cats and a tub of ice cream. And for some reason, these people try to sing like ten times! They put in five karaoke slips at once and we have to hear them every third song. I promise you someone at the bar with rufies is contemplating using them on you solely for the purpose of getting you to shut up for the night.
Rule 2: Know the Words
Yeah, sounds very “duh” but I have violated this rule once and you’d be surprised by how often it happens. My only time I was booed off the stage because my friend stopped trying mid song and berating Neil Diamond by saying it was his worst song. It should almost go without saying, don’t try and offend the crowd while you’re going. For the most part, the crowd is supportive, and you really need to pull some shenanigans to get booed off the stage. You don’t need to know the whole song, but at least the tune and a general idea of it.
Rule 3: Like I Said, the Crowd Wants to Be On Your Side
Know your audience. If you have a more conservative crowd, the Ballad of Chasey Lain probably isn’t the best idea. If everyone is dancing along to the karaoke, doing your best Tool or Papa Roach song isn’t an optimal choice. There are certain songs that can’t go wrong, but there are even more that most certainly can go wrong. I know you really want to sing it to your girl with the purple mohawk thing going on, but we’re not really excited to listen to your romantic version of that death metal song. This rule is meant to be used at the participant’s discretion, so just look around before you do something stupid.
Rule 4: Satire Welcome!
If you want to do a comedic rendition of that crappy Nickelback song, go for it! Lampoon Creed, butcher Taylor Swift, and sing the female part with your bass voice. People get more into karaoke when whoever is singing is having a good time with everyone else. I was recently on a cruise and two guys came up and sang I Had the Time of My Life, and I could not stop laughing at the guy doing the female vocals. People want to see performers, so go ahead and dive for the laughs. My buddy in L.A., Patrick, would go sing Young Girl as creepily as possible and the age of the girl in the song kept getting lower and lower. I don’t think it was appreciated by everyone, but enough people got a rise out of it that it was totally worth it. “She’s only 15!!!”
Rule 5: The Spotlight Doesn’t Follow Just You
Please just pick one or two songs and let it be. Unless there is a severe lack of requests to sing coming in, just do a couple songs and call it a night. Other people want to sing and it doesn’t matter how awesome you rocked the place minutes ago. After we see how this is an attention-fest for you, we get tired of your big ol’ head on stage.
Rule 6: Use of Props and Dance Moves are Encouraged
If there are funny hats and plastic instruments laying around (I’d say a good 40-50% of karaoke DJs bring some performance enhancing supplements to work), dive right in! There is nothing better than an air guitar solo during that musical break or doing your funky chicken dance during Bust A Move. I saw the only good karaoke performance of Billy Jean a little while back, and he pulled every Michael Jackson trick out of the bag including the knees together bouncing and pointing to one spot in the crowd the entire time. Another winner was my old roommate Dewey grabbing the first girl he saw during the musical break of I Believe In a Thing Called Love and playing the leg guitar. In terms of stupid behavior, it is usually funny and encouraged.
I’m sure I could come up with more guidelines, but these seem like a good starting point. Feel free to comment with any other rules that should be added. If the karaoke DJ’s had a sign with rules to enhance the fun, the world would be a better place. And remember, violations of rules like this will result in people like me judging you.
