HOLIDAZE!!!

HOLIDAZE!!!
So as many of you know, my current recession job is being a barista at the bucks of stars. We recently rolled out the holiday drinks. Who the hell wants eggnog on the first day of November? A lot of people I guess. And most of them are fat. If you haven't guessed yet, this is going to be a blog where I just rant on things that are annoying the bejezes out of me about the early holiday selling period and other stuff. So let's start with fat people and holiday beverages.

The stranglehold Starbucks has on fat people is ridiculous. I mean, good for them for making drinks that people become dependent on, but it really reflects on the willpower people have these days. To put this in comparison, I worked at a liquor store in the ghetto of North Minneapolis for a couple years in college. You might think ghetto and any city in MN is ridiculous, but it was a low income area and there was a point where 5 people were murdered within a 3 block radius in a one month period while I was working there. It was one of the most entertaining jobs of my life, and getting to drink on the job and buy booze at 19 was a major plus. Anyways, we had customers that would stop into the store 2-3 times per day and buy malt liquor or half pints of booze. At Starbucks, I have customers coming in two to three times per day ordering venti frappacinos and mochas with extra whip and caramel. The similarities are striking. One store is killing people with booze, the other store is killing them by making them morbidly obese. I know it may be rude, but I have started telling the highschool girls they need to cut the whip out and get the small drinks because their metabolism won't last past highschool and their asses will start getting fat. It has never gone over well, but I have noticed that a couple of them have stopped ordering the extra whip cream at least. Oh, and another thing. I bite my tongue laughing whenever someone orders a non-fat drink, but adds whipped cream.

Our holiday drinks are the gingerbread latte, caramel brulette, peppermint mocha, and the dreaded eggnog latte. How does anyone drink eggnog latte and enjoy it? This is a bit hypocritical because I drink a lot of scotch and whiskey neat or on the rocks and it is an acquired taste, but eggnog is just nauseating to think about. It is extremely rich dairy, overpowering mint, artery clogging, and nothing makes it taste good to me. I've tried mixing and matching at work, added rum and brandy in the past, and tried it warm and cold. Nothing makes me want to drink eggnog, or can even make it passable. I do get a kick out of people that ask for non-fat eggnog lattes though because it is impossible to make. Eggnog is all fat. It is like 4000% of your daily value of fat (slightly exaggerated). We don't tell them that, we just serve them an eggnog latte and say it's non-fat. Then I ask them if they'd like whipped cream.

I've decided that it would be an awesome job to select music for Starbucks. You would just listen to a ton of cool hipster, jazz, and overall relaxing music and put it on a gigantic playlist. I have also decided I am going to punch that guy in the face when I meet him. We play certain musicians more than others because they have a deal with Starbucks or something when they release new albums, so it's cool when the Beatles put out their 11th rerelease of anything. On the other hand, when some no-talent assclown like Michael Buble puts out a piece of crap, we get to hear half his album at least four times a day. I am convinced Buble is only famous because he is the only good looking guy singing lounge music right now. His original stuff is crap and his covers of other songs make me hate the originals. Now I have to hear it every day I go to work.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bf5RePiYBDs

Speaking of music I hate, and tying it in with the Beatles reference, there are a ton of holiday songs that are annoying (and I am sure they'll start playing any day now), but there is one song in particular that make me want to start punting little children and small animals when I hear it. Paul McCartney's Wonderful Christmas Time. It is the worst holiday song ever. Do you doubt me? Sit through all of it -- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hWuKimtUEas -- It is painful to listen to. Was it worth it Paul? Was the extra cash for this piece of crap worth it? Whenever I think of your career after the Beatles, I will think of this fail song. That is your legacy to me.

Ok, my rant well has run dry, so until next time, remember - whenever you order a venti drink with whip, someone like me will be judging you for it.